STUART TAYLOR'S SOUTH WALES EVENING POST COLUMN: I wish it was Pippa Middleton who was always kissing me frantically
PIPPA has always just seen me as a play thing who she can just pin down on the sofa without a word of warning and kiss frantically, knowing full well I'm powerless to stop her.
Unfortunately I'm not talking about Miss Middleton (this would be fine), I'm talking about my parents' dog.
This is Pippa's (a big golden labrador retriever) party trick when she is a bit bored and has nothing better to do — I wish all females felt the same way about me.
Being a labrador retriever you would think she would be good at helping people as this breed of dog are often used as guide or assistance dogs for disabled people – not Pippa.
My parents should have seen the warning signs when the vet described her as "a very lively character".
Due to having walking problems, you would be amazed to watch Pippa follow me everywhere and watch my every step as if she is guiding me.
This usually ends with me swearing, as at the last minute she barges her ample frame (we are both on diets, and I'm doing a lot better than she is) in front of me as I go to walk through the door, often resulting in me losing my balance and her yelping.
I slipped and fell in the kitchen when she was a puppy and she just thought it was a game and jumped on my back and started licking my face, more recently, again in the kitchen, I lost my balance and stumbled backwards only to land full weight on top of her — she gave a yelp before again kissing me frantically.
She has a habit of stealing anything, from mobile phones, to underwear and we have to chase to get it off her – she knows when she does this with me, despite her arthritis, there is only one winner and its the one with four legs.
Could Pippa have made a good guide or assistance dog? Quite possibly as she can behave when she wants to and has a very caring nature as she displays in bucket-loads when she's around a young neighbour who is disabled.
Whenever they meet Pippa is so calm and doesn't jump up.
It's as if she knows she has to be extra careful as not to knock the girl over and the bond they have is touching to witness.
What am I doing wrong?